CRANK UP THE SQUIRREL

Front cover

     In 1998, I put together a squirrel-themed zine called CRANK UP THE SQUIRREL with friends Julie and Matt, and husband Anthony. It was 28 pages long, photocopied on 8 1/2" x 11" paper, and we left stacks of them around for free in various coffee shops and laundry rooms.
     The cover says "#4," but it was actually the first and only issue. But four is my favorite number, so there you go.
     It was pretty rough, but had some cool comics, stories, and silliness by all of us. And it garnered a legitimate crazy fan, who used to send fan letters and packages to my PO box.

Table of Contents

     Above is the Table of Contents. NOTE: the email and street address above are now defunct.
     See how it says Heenie will be handling correspondence? Heenie is an old character of mine who also showed up in my Skelebunnies comics published by SLG.
     Our crazy fan sent all sorts of stuff for Heenie, including a "nest" for him that was actually fairly complex and made up of plastic and straw and cardboard. Crazy Fan also sent Heenie some bizarre squirrel-themed art that was really good. But disturbing.

Movie review in comic form of Heavenly Creatures, by J. Squirrel

     We each used squirrely pseudonyms for the zine. Jules was J. Squirrel, Matt was Branch Maplebum, and I was alternately Nutsy Whiskers and Claw Twiggins. (Anthony did an uncredited parody advertisement)
   
"play" by branch maplebum

"An Entreaty" by Nutsy Whiskers

The end of J. Squirrel's short story, "Stunted," and Anthony's gross ad. I reminded him of it on our walk a few nights ago and he just chortled.

SKETCHBOOK : Open Mic Night

     This is what I sketched while we were at the Gypsy Den in Santa Ana last night, watching our friend Matt do "open mic" night. Matt played guitar and sang, and did a great job. There were maybe one or two other acts that were okay, and the others were mostly endurance tests.
     I never know where to look when anybody other than Matt is up there. We sit very close to the stage, and I don't have much of a Poker face, so I'm afraid to look directly at the performer, in case I accidentally sneer, frown, or make a painy face. So it helps my nerves to have my sketchbook to disappear into. Especially if someone is reciting a poem, which is worse than having your teeth drilled.
     It was kind of cool, though, when a young lady at a table across the room somehow set some napkins on fire with the candle on her table. All of a sudden, while some guy was performing, there were flames and people running over to douse it with water.
     The lady was by herself, and had a strange honky afro. When she first walked in she had an attitude like, "I am a quirky, interesting lady!" But after the fire, she looked like she wanted to disappear into the floorboards.
     In my mind, I have re-written it so that her honky afro was what caught fire.




T-SHIRTS : "Razors"

"Razors" t-shirt design on Amazon, courtesy of "CleverT"

     This is another design I did for CleverT. There are two colorways available. One is for a black or dark shirt, and the other is for lighter or brighter colors.
     You can buy it on Amazon HERE.
   
I can't decide which background color I like better- red, or blue.

T-SHIRTS : Scream of the Bear

"Screaming Bear"
design for T-shirt by yours truly.

     I did another design that CleverT has released as a special limited run Tshirt. Here's a screenshot of the listing on Amazon:


     Click HERE to purchase it from Amazon!
    But please note, they run SMALL, so order several sizes larger than you think you'll need. I prefer men's 3x, because then it's comfortable and there's room to grow. Not that I plan to grow any fatter, but the trend is pretty obvious at this point.

T-SHIRTS : Valentine's Skull

     I had to order my own to make sure I liked the quality of Amazon's Tshirt printing, but I received mine today and it looks pretty cool, if I do say so myself. So Adam (CleverT owner) has the following two color versions of the shirt listed, and I've placed links below each. :)

http://www.amazon.com/Valentines-Vintage-Skullman-Mine-T-Shirt/dp/B01B3XPPFW/ref=sr_1_5?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1454026758&sr=1-5&nodeID=7141123011

http://www.amazon.com/Valentines-Mine-Heart-Skull-T-shirt/dp/B01AR4WNJ4/ref=sr_1_1?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1454027405&sr=1-1&nodeID=7141123011

T-SHIRTS : experimental Amazon product


     Above is a screenshot of a listing on Amazon for a T-shirt with some original artwork I did. This is a new thing I'm trying out.
     A high school friend contacted me recently, and said he's been selling T-shirts on Amazon through a new venture they have in which Amazon prints and ships the shirts on demand. My friend's company is "CleverT," and he asked if I'd be interested in doing some designs and sharing profits.
     What I'm most interested in is seeing what the quality of the printing on the shirts is like. Usually print-on-demand isn't the best quality. I've done CafePress before, and others like it, and the image is usually okay at first, but grows faint quickly, especially when washed.
     He's doing a test one for me, and I'm going to wait until I see Amazon's t-shirt printing quality before I start really promoting this.
     But I have to say it's nice to have somebody else doing the legwork to create the listing, and I like the way he worded the stuff about me and my artwork. So, that's cool.

Here's a link to the page: http://www.amazon.com/Valentines-Mine-Heart-Skull-T-shirt/dp/B01AR4V886/ref=sr_1_6?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1453135009&sr=1-6&nodeID=7141123011

FAMILY BAKE DAY 2015

Anthony displaying his peanut butter cookies
A moment before the shot above, Aunt Wanda's dog, Abby, rushes in to sniff his crotch.

     I'm posting this way after the fact, but I think we did this on December 12th, the Saturday before my last week of work before winter break. I wanted to have homemade stuff to give coworkers and students.

Mom in her cute apron

     Mom, Anthony and I all gathered at Aunt Wanda's house, and made all sorts of good stuff. Lemon bars, chocolate chip cookies, pretzels dipped in stuff, peanut butter cookies, and various other cookie-like things. I'm getting over a flu right now, so I can't think too much about that, or it'll be barf time again.
     But we made lots of great stuff and had a really good time.

Aunt Wanda presiding over baking supplies

     This has been a tradition with us for the last five years or so, to gather for "Family Bake Day" sometime around mid-December.

Me with my chocolate chip cookies

Mom and me working on the pretzel goo

YOU CAN'T CATCH ME: Vintage Cookie Cutters

"YUM, YUM, LEAP FOR JOY, TRY AND CATCH THE GINGER BOY"
     In December we had Family Bake Day at Aunt Wanda's house, and she keeps turning up all these awesome old antique things every time we turn around. I don't know where she keeps finding them, because we've helped her clear out her garage and stuff several times. But her late husband lived in that house for many years, and apparently never threw anything away, and even kept things in their original packaging forever, when not in use.
     I love this old "Ginger Boy" cookie cutter. Is that racist? Somehow, calling him a Ginger Boy instead of a GingerBREAD Boy seems like it could be offensive to gingers. But, not being a ginger, who gives a shit?

"GINGERBREAD BOY COOKIES" & "DECORATING FROSTING"
     Dude, there's even a recipe on the back!

Note the weaponry and strange hat.
     This other one is probably not quite as old, but still of vintage stock, I think. I don't understand its weird hat. And why do we have to bring guns into it? Stop the violence, Gingerbread Boy.

CHRISTMAS MEMORIES : Don't Shoot Me Santa

     In my early twenties when I had recently started working at a junior high school, the holiday season hit, and everything was hectic, people trying to be jolly and festive and overtly social, you know how it goes.
     I was eating lunch in the staff break room, surrounded by coworkers, and suddenly a terrifying  disguised figure came slinking through the door.
     It was dressed in a full-throttle Santa costume with red pants, red coat, big buckle, big shiny black boots, mittens, big fluffy Santa hat, and with its face almost completely obscured by lots of white beard. Only its mouth and cheeks could be seen, and just a hint of its eyes below big fake eyebrows. But none of these small details gave any hint to the person beneath the costume, because heavy makeup had been applied to the lips, cheeks, and eyes.
     "HO HO HO!" It shouted in a husky stage voice, as it minced down amongst the tables where we sat, trying to eat. Its hips swayed, an obviously fake big belly twitching from side to side. Its red lips smirked. It ran its gloved hands across shoulders and arms, even pinched a few cheeks.
     Reactions throughout the room were mixed. Some laughed gamely, making valiant efforts to make it seem normal. Some stared at their food and continued grimly eating.
     I sat frozen in wide-eyed terror.
     Santa simpered and capered through the room, coming nearer and nearer to my table. Touching, pinching, slinking...
     Its movements were not graceful, though. It was disjointed and weird, like a film being run backwards. Herky-jerky.
     In a sickening reversal of natural order, Santa slithered into a man's lap and demanded with those hungry red lips, "And what do YOOOOOOU want for Christmas, LITTLE BOY?"
     I panicked. I was sweating and trembling, the room suddenly shrinking, bringing that wrong Bizarro Santa even closer. Why was this happening? Why were they allowing this to happen to us?
     One of my table mates noticed my panic and whispered, "What's wrong?"
     "I... I have to get out of here!"
     "Oh, don't be silly. It's fun! It'll be over soon."
     I panted, gasping for air. "I don't want it to touch me."
     My coworker started losing patience with me. "Oh, come on. You're scared? Of Santa Claus?"
     "YES." I hissed. But now the coworkers on either side of me were trying to get me to stay, both of them holding my arms, telling me not to be silly.
     Santa loomed closer, lurching and swaying, big stiff belly jutting out, red lips pursing like a sphincter to blow another fierce volley of HO HO HOs.
     I thought, "If that thing sits on my lap, I will die. My heart will stop in my chest."
     I broke free of my coworkers' hands and darted out the back door.
     I later found out that "Santa" was actually our school psychologist-- an alarmingly weird woman we'll call "Nora." Nora always wore too much makeup, and had tics and twitches that made me think she might have some minor neurological disorder(s). She was skinny to the point of gauntness, and had a severe short and choppy haircut dyed a deep wine-red that was not flattering to her weathered features. She was fond of pantsuits and high heels.
     I feel perfectly justified in fleeing the scene, as obviously that was the wrongest Santa ever seen. But for years my coworkers teased me about running away from Santa.
     A few years later...
     Nora was in a pretty severe car accident, and had to have some reconstructive surgery done on her face. She also suffered some body trauma that gave her a limp, and even more tics and twitches. I felt bad for her. She meant well, and seemed like a nice person.
     But then she had to go and wear another goddamn costume at Christmastime.
     This time she was a gender non-specific ELF, in green leggings and curled-toe boots and jingling hat. But the worst part was the mask. I guess because of her accident-scarred face, she chose to wear a full face mask. But it was one of those clear plastic masks with rouged cheeks and lips, and a suggestion of blurry eyebrows. The kind of mask that makes a scary blur of the person's features, and muffles their voice. 100% serial killer.
     She had added a long weird misshapen elf nose, which jutted out rudely and reminded me incongruously of that I Love Lucy episode where Lucy uses a lump of clay to make a fake nose to disguise herself in front of William Holden and then she ends up smooshing the nose until it looks weirder and weirder.
     This time, instead of a husky low "Santa" voice, Nora was using a loud squeaky "Elf" voice. And she was kind of a tall woman, so there was really nothing elf-like about her.
     Her raspy elf squeak was so muffled by the serial killer mask that I couldn't understand one single word she said the whole time she capered about the room, mincing and flitting in what must have seemed an "elf-like" fashion to her.
     And did I mention that the accident had given her a hitch in her get-along? It was a horrifying ballet of awkwardness, watching her twitch and lurch around the room in those green leggings and curled-toe boots. I think in her mind she was probably "prancing," but it didn't play that way.
     This time I stayed in the room longer, though. I felt bad for Nora, and at least I knew who it was under all that fucking weirdness. But that clear plastic mask, man...
     That's the detail that still haunts me.
     Fuckin' elves.