I would like to take a few minutes to discuss my pants. And pants in general.
     I don't like pants, as a rule. If I could get away with it, I'd wear shorts all year 'round.
     Unfortunately for me, my workplace "strongly urges" us to dress professionally at all times, which means I NEVER wear shorts or even JEANS to work. Plus I have to wear a TIE. Shiiiiiit, man.
     My work pants are all wearing thin-- figuratively, and literally. So I finally had to shop for some new stupid unflattering work pants. It was a degrading, depressing experience, which reminded me of all the reasons I hate pants in the first place.

  •      They remind me that I'm FAT.
  •      They're too warm.
  •      I only wear them to work, so it feels like they should be provided free of cost. But they're NOT.
  •      They fit weird. Which reminds me of how weirdly-shaped I am. (Apparently)

     Take the new pair of pants I'm wearing today, for example. They're very snug in the legs and thighs, yet gape like pantaloons around the waist. I'm wearing a belt, but it creates weird sagging and bunching of fabric that I can't figure out how to distribute more attractively.
Do I look like Little Nemo and his clowny friend, in their weird pantaloons?

     This is not even just because of the whole skinny pants craze. I frequently had this same problem BEFORE the skinny pants invasion. It makes me feel like these pants are designed for a different species or something, like trying to wrestle myself into a pair of dog pants or something. Are my legs and thighs so disproportionately huge? And why does the waist droop? The baggy waist makes NO sense, because I am definitely a little fat most of the time. But I don't see how my legs and thighs can be so much FATTER than my waist! WTF?
     I worry about my pants on a daily basis. Are they too tight? Too droopy? Does my shirt bunch funny where it's tucked in? I've gone so far as to position a magnetic mirror on the metal cabinet in my office so that I can surreptitiously check my waist, crotch, and butt, to make sure everything is holding the line. Zipper up, etc?
     It's tiring. I need a vacation from pants.